I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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