I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
