i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
