You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
