Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
