Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Boobs speak an international language.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
