This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We need a shit load of segways right now
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
