I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize