He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
