so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
