I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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