You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
