The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
