There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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