Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
