addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
