Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
