I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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