We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
