I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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