I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
