I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
babies were throwing up all over the place
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
