the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
