Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
