You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I AM VODKA MAN
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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