I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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