I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
