I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Randomize
