You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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