just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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