he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
So. Much. Porn.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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