I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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