TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
