just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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