Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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