Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Dear god my vagina.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
