Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I booty called her while she was in labor.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
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