Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
