Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
