I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Your mouth is God's brothel.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
