My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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