I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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