my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
