I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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