I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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