Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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