I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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