It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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