Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I forget how to act sober
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
