Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
did i walk over a car last night?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
