I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
