Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
