I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize