I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
