im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
