tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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