he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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