Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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