I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
