Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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