i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
The best revenge is premature balding
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize