just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
