You don't have asthma, your pregnant
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
