at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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