I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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