he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
