nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
