Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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