I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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