you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
