I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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