And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
