I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
