i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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