I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
And then he peed in my hair
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