did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My pussy is not your playground.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
