then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
