Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
