I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
